Hi Everyone, 

It has indeed been some time since I've posted anything. Reflected on my previous post. Wow, I was 26 then and 31 now. How fast time has flew by. I read my blog posts like the first time I was meeting the owner of this blog. Who is she who was worried everyday about what her partner thinks of her? Who is the one moping and wallowing in self despair over a job that wasn't suited for her haha?. The problems seems so small now, like they were so miniscule compared to the difficulties and hardship I was facing throughout my absence from this blog. Youth seems like a denim jeans, a new pair, unwashed and not distressed. 

I am inside still the same sappy, moody person. But, I nowadays take the effort to try to be happy and try to appreciate life. I switched my line of work and managed to work remotely for the first time (like full time and not due to Covid) and it was rewarding, I managed to stay home more. Managed to spend some time alone. But it was too lonely at times, so alone with your thoughts it was scary. But I appreciated that I could stay home after being tortured at work previously. But to be honest, I missed having physical colleagues as well. Perhaps a 2 day in the office might be fun. The work I was doing now was plenty to keep me busy the whole day but sometimes I was less motivated than others. I kind of need to do work now at the moment as well but here I am reminiscing on old blog posts. 

I'll be back when the nostalgic vibes return. toodaloo for now!

Silence

Silence indeed can be so deafening sometimes.
It feels like the humming of the world going by pounding on the walls of your thoughts unable to escape the silence.
But yet, he can't hear the volume of my thoughts screaming out loudly.
Even when I approach and offer and olive branch I receive a reproached look.
I back away slithering into the abyss which I painstakingly crawled from.
I have never been at loss for words but the despair is too great sometimes, the attempts, one after another and again and again.
I am in pain after all.
Not sure if it gets better. Not sure each time the scab can grow over old wounds. Or will this wound never heal.
I know it isn't his problem.
But then I try to look at myself in the mirror.
I try so hard everyday to move on.
To try again another day.
One day I won't be able to try anymore.
One day I won't be able to resist the tempatation to give in to this misery.
Through this deafening silence all I hear is him trampling over my olive branch and the branches crack in desolate.
Alone.
Unwanted.
Dead.
At peace alas.

Stuck

I believe I may be in the wrong line of work.

I work so lackluster sometimes feeling no joy in my days as I lug my brain through the day.

Feeling as though I am being trapped in this god forsaken field.

People ask "Why don't you open your own law firm?"

"Is it not challenging enough for you?"

I sigh. Because it would seem that I never feel the joy of practicing as I would writing an article.

Don't get me wrong. Every single thing I do challenges the very core of my being. But, I feel so miserable because the job I am doing gives me not one inch of joy or satisfaction. I just feel relieved when my work is fi...wait, it never finishes.

I believe I need to work with a purpose. Doing work for a company that is meaningful and gives back to people. Mega organizations that are capable of giving back to society is great to me.

Working as a team so that everyone carries their own weight.

I seem like a great person for people to push their weight to.

I feel so depressed.

Sometimes I lie down and close my eyes I don't even want to wake up any longer because I have to go in and lug myself around.

The thought of going back to a job I dislike is in itself very stressful. What makes it worse is that the burden of the work never ends. It haunts you even as you sleep.

I also sadly have very little support in the firm. It seems as though I am the only one fighting to stay afloat while people in my department prance around merrily. Mind you, I am not getting one fucking ounce of commision as well. I can't survive

BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES.


But sadly I do not come from a rich family.

I do live paycheck to paycheck.

So for those people who tell me just quit. Well, dear you, fuck you. I need to get another job before I quit.

And I am hoping the next job I have won't be so sad.

Haikuku

Lightning strikes undersea

The waves crash on the rocks

Heart hums the same 

Twenty Six

Tales

It would all seem that yesterday’s events were forgotten. People smiled gaily as though the sun shone upon them for the first time and went about their daily routine unperturbed by the unlikely events that went on at dusk.  Sometimes willful lost of memory would seem to be a blessing, other times, it just brings to picture, that humans when faced with the most terrible situations conveniently forget. Cloaked by a sense of normalcy, to forget the feeling of teetering on the edge of unabashed reality and the ravaged mask we all put on when we leave home every morning, caging the monster that lives inside each and every one of us.

The question still remains, how long will the cage hold that monster festering in hate and agony of being trapped in by an inch thick mask? 

The thrill seekers would ask the question, what will happen when the monster eventually breaks free? 

The above exerpt was product of a lot of thought. We often hear that people put on masks to veil their inner beings. Why, you may ask. FEAR. (In capital of course). Often times, people put on masks to be accepted, because they fear rejection, heartbreak, the fear of discrimination, the fear that if people found out they were different, they would not be part of this world 'community' of the instafamous, the rich who have their eyebrows drawn on shaped like the corner of the wall, men who lift weights as heavy as 3 pretty young things. The fear causes so much anxiety so that each and every time they think of leaving home without the mask, they cower in corners (a hyperbolic description). They shut their eyes and tell themselves, let one more day pass and slowly put on that mask with an unnerving image carved upon it. NORMALCY.

I don't believe that even I am free from this fear. The fear of being judged, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of failure. Being raised an asian, I really believe that instilled (with a hammer and bolts) deep in my heart and mind, that if I were to be "succesful" in life I should not fail. Even when I did fail, I would need to pick myself back up and keep on moving forward "in the path to success". Thus, fear of failure controlled my each and every move. As fear of failure and ridicule consumed me, I felt myself lost, making decisions I would not be making if I were me, laughing at jokes that were not funny, making inappropriate decisions that I would not vouch for myself if I had the seat as an audience. BUT WHY? Why was I so afraid of failure?

Vroooooooooooommm....

Back to the past. I was three. I did not fail. I could speak full length sentences.

When I was ten. I did not fail. I could write english stories in my sleep.

When I was twelve. My mathematics peaked. By all means, I did not fail.

I was fifteen. I did not fail. I pushed and pulled.

I was twenty one. I moved forward and heaved my resources to complete my degree.

...


Twenty Six. Here I am now. Feeling like a failure. Wondering if I have failed for never failing in my life before. I am so afraid now of failing. The feeling of being at risk, exposed without my mask on. Vulnerable and alone but my mind opened to let go of my fear.

I have an imaginary state of the art store room.(I believe we all do, mine just slightly more vivid as I have a colourful imagination).

Full of masks, lined up in rows and neatly arranged on shelves and storage cabinets, each aisle labelled and marked suitable, for every situation imagined possible. At the exit of my (nightmarish) store room, I have a mirror. Every morning after picking the appropriate mask for the day, before I leave my store room, I always try to assume the character, try to evolve, try; as an actor would take up a role, "become" my character. Right before I leave that store room, I often feel a tinge. I have never understood what it was. That slight tinge. It did not hurt me but it often made me wonder, perhaps, just maybe perhaps, it could be my inner being wanting to be seen and just letting me know that she was hurt by my choice today to hide her. To put on this mask to conceal her and as a last effort clawed on my insides to be released. One day, I believe this tinge will no longer be. She might just give up totally and with one last sigh of discontent, leave me and dissipate into the hollowness I have chosen to become. Leaving me only with my masks as company.



The mood of this post is sombre. Please don't ask me to lighten up, it might prove to be difficult.

P.H.A.T & What It Means To You?

Howdy folks,  Hope you all are having a glorious weekend.
Short update before I move on to my actual content :

I have started working now, as an actual full blown ass lawyer/solicitor/attorney. Phew, time passes so fast. Looking back at my older postings, full of emotional, clingy ass, self pity/depreciating content, I wish you could unread that. But hell, that was once part of what I was like before, sad, clingy with a tad bit of esteem issues and for a lack of a better word ; pathetic. But hey, if I managed to make it here unharmed then I must be doing something right? right right? hahaha.

Anyhow, the actual content is today, and events thereof are as below :

So my partner and I went to this local banana leaf place for a late lunch around 2.30 to 3.00 p.m after a late night out with friends. A lazy sunday of course, so we got our meals and had a pleasant lunch. As we were seated outside at the side of the road, my partner got up and went in the shop to pay for our meal and I was busy busting the insides of my backpack looking for a missing item "a damn good imitation zippo lighter ; trying to learn a trick or to" when suddenly a worker walked up to me.

He asked me with much hostility "Gemuk apa macam?"
I didn't really understand what he said but I caught a whim and understood that whatever it was, it was insulting and thus I asked him loudly and with my warning voice "You tanya saya apa"
To my surprise he actually repeated "Gemuk apa macam?" and indicated towards me with his jaw.
I understood now that what he was asking was " What is it like to be fat / why am I so fat"
So I asked him "You kurus apa macam? You tak mati lagi ke?"
He smiled and said no and repeated "Gemuk apa macam"
Dude, I get that you're a damn foreign worker, but if you want to insult someone please for the sake of the person you are insulting, get a dictionary/work on your vocabulary.
I told him "Sama macam you, saya makan saya mati, you makan pun you mati? Apa you mau tahu?"
He said "Takda sama" and walked off.
His colleagues who were nearby were also taken aback that he could ask a customer such an insulting question and were unsure if they even heard correctly what he asked me and were discussing amongst themselves in tamil what he said to me (of course they were not aware that i could very well understand what they were talking about). Eventually one of them came up and apologized to me to which I barely nodded.

I was of course taken aback and defensive but I kept whatever it was inside and when my partner came out from the shop (not aware of anything of course) I got up immediately and walked with him to the car. Of course when I told him what had happened,he was eager to go in the shop and beat up the guy which of course I opposed. My partner is not a tiny person and is properly capable of breaking a jaw or three. Neither am I a tiny person, and I personally would be able to take down at least one person on my own.

But I asked myself, was all this worth it? After I hit him then what? Will the fat shaming stop?
Will all the pain that come with such statements go away? Will I feel better about hitting him or better about myself? How can someone be so insensitive? However, I was certain that nothing good could come about if we hit the guy/ told him off/ or have a little "chat" with him. His mentality is just the consequence of shit we see everyday.

Instilled deep inside our culture and many others, fat is ugly, fat is destructive, fat is shameful, fat is disgusting. Every single time you imagine a fat person, you imagine a plate of piled up chips potato bacon fat drenched in butter and cheese and the fat person gorging "itself" - for lack of a better reference. The person has become so deeply disgusting in your mind that you don't consider them a person anymore, they are just a blob of a what-was or has-been.

Let me tell you something, I agree with you, being fat is not healthy. I am trying to lose weight as well. And if a fat person could lose their weight overnight and be a skinny person, they would. 99% would want to. But that doesn't give you the chance to judge them, to hate on them, to make them feel so unworthy that they don't deserve any respect. Fat is just a physical state, not a mental one (there are exceptions to this) . If you judge someone who is fat however, you are the one suffering from some mental issues.So just stop it,

Telling a fat person that they are fat is not helping. They wake up every morning look in the mirror and know that they are fat. It is not something they are unaware of. Friends and family can/should encourage weight loss positively but not by fat shaming. Common asian moms "You fat later no boy want you", "so fat ah, how to buy clothes", "fat already, don't eat some more" " You so fat got people want to date you meh?" "You don't want to diet meh:". Yes, aunty we know. We know all that shit you have listed to us. We face judgement every single day of our life from people we know/ don't know and even people we love.

Fat shaming is so prevalent in Asian countries that sometimes you just feel you don't belong. Honestly, I have never been thin, I never overeat *except during festivals  and random groupon buffets*, I workout regularly, heck i was even a state athlete, represented my university/state/ school to various fencing competitions since I was young, swim regularly, go to the gym but I have been this way since forever.. My weight fluctuates but never to the lower end, It has always been within the 90-100 range. I am trying to lose weight, mind you, but by my own time/capability and by listening to my body. Some days I am so tired that I feel like I want to lay flat on the floor and hope I can wake up the next day. So I rest, when I feel slightly better I pick myself up and exercise.

Where we are in life in our weightloss and weightloss goals or just being happy with where we are is definitely our own business, our own lives and our own problems. If you don't like what you see, keep your mouth shut and your thoughts to yourself. Nobody told you how to walk in your own shoes aye?
Leaving people alone to make their own choices and life decisions isn't that hard to do. The least you could do is not judge.

Have a blessed week everybody :)

(P.S I really do hope I make it through the week)